The Last Outlaw’s blog

Speaking of Tango…

I am; have been rather, taking an Argentine Tango class.  I’m in the last week of a four-week extension class to the eight-week beginner class that ended a few weeks ago.  Though you may not believe it coming from me, I can definitely say without doubt and a huge grin on my face, that I absolutely LOVE it.  Did you hear me Ames, I love to Tango!   Who would have thought?  Currently, I am seeking an intermediate class to meet up with my dance partners’ work schedule.  I can’t wait to continue – more on this to come.  I am also working on some new material to post describing my latest camping trip up north. 

Ok, so I am not going to look as I write.  I am going to close my eyes.  I am goind as to dsay mm m…  Damn, ok I’ll have to write with my eyes open…  I am going to say the emotions, the needs, and the sadness aloud.  So, here go my tears from finger-tips to keys.

Do you know what it feels like to keep your windows closed, your blinds shut, your doors eternally locked?  Imagine suffocation; an empty space in an unsafe place.  Under water with no air, no breath to spare, no room to care, about the loss, the loss of what I took for granted.  An open window with the sun, a breeze that passes as you run, the rain you hear and often feel, lying in bed, is this for real?  I can't feel those things.  I can't feel the sun or taste the rain, I don't know if the moon still shines the same.  I don't fall asleep with dreams to come, only the fear of where will I run?  My eyes are sinking, my soul is lost, in the confused world of the mind's holocaust.  I want to say that I'm feeling free, but it's not true, it’s no longer me.  I'm a man with a smile who has no heart, an angel whose wings have fallen apart.  I need you to save me, whoever you are; I need to believe in the strength of your heart.  I need to believe in the sky, in the earth, I need to be reminded of the human hearts worth.  If there was a soul to take me in flight, I would ask for her eyes to show me the light, of the things I once knew, of the words I once spoke, of the love I believed in before my heart broke.  So if you're out there, please know that I am here, waiting for your love, to dissolve my fear.

Why is it so hard to ask for someone else's wings?  Nobody ever said it would be easy; but nobody ever said it would be so hard.

I have no idea who wrote this, but it's so so so beautiful. I have had this for a long time, and I wish I'd found it when I was far younger. This is for anyone it speaks to...

A time comes in your life when you finally get it.....When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change… or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you - and in the process a sense of serenity is born of this acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are, and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave; how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop; and what you should drive; how and where you should live; and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children; or what you owe your parents.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing - and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple.

And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to try building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Sometimes our memories fade too fast, like the changing of the seasons. It’s such a shame, a tragedy, really. What brought on this overflow of memory specifically? Various things, I suppose, like watching a beautiful sunset. I recently revisited the meadow of my haunted past. As I turned to leave, the last light of that day swirled around me like the fire of autumn leaves, and as I glanced back for one last look…

“Hold me.” She said. “Kiss me and love me and never leave me.” Then the sun, aflame like a gold coin suspended in fire, approached the horizon, and for one of those moments that feel like time standing still the sky brightened and the clouds whitened into a color that looked something like eternity. This same white light suddenly seemed to spread upward and outward across my mind, the atmosphere and above, pushing along my tear-stung eyes and face. That’s when I realized, when I figured out, that tears couldn’t make somebody who was dead alive again. There’s another thing about tears, they can’t make somebody who doesn’t love you anymore love you again…

Watching a good sunset is like being with someone who totally and completely loves you. That intense, sensually paralyzing flash of extreme white light is incredible, but the afterglow is what you’re in it for. The sky is warm and the clouds are pink and red and violet at the same time, traced with gold and coal, and it pulses with the first stars and the onset of night as everything around you darkens, but somehow seems to be illuminated as well. That mysterious mountain light casts shadows long, and peaceful and deep. Then darkness, like the one you love, wraps you up in its arms, drawing you in, holding you close, covering you; and you’re home, and you’re whole, and somehow you know you’re safe.

Love always transcends the mere physical, but in using its’ sometimes carnal nature, it can become something extremely spiritual, and sometimes, when you least expect it, for one fleeting moment, we can be touched by the divine.

People come in and out of our lives for purposes sometimes they don’t even know, let alone us. However, knowing this never seems to make an ounce of difference when dealing with my heart. That gut-wrenching sadness, almost a hunger, really, for what is no longer there, that was sustaining me, can be simply unbearable at times. I feel it today just as strongly as I did the first time I felt it; and every time I say to myself that I never want to feel it again, somehow, deep down, I know I really do.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hold them for real. I have a blessing which, I admit, is often seen as a curse. I am blessed with being alone… Still.

There will likely be times in your life when your soul evolves more quickly than your circumstances. Your subconscious mind may be ready to move forward long before you recognize that you are destined to embrace a new way of life. Your soul intuitively understands that changing habitats can be a vital part of the growth process and that there may be one part of you that is eager to move to another home, another state, or another plane of existence. But the ties that bind you to your current mode of being can make moving into this next stage of your life more challenging than it has to be. If you find it difficult to move on, consider that just as people in your life may come and go, your role in others' lives may also be temporary. And many of the conditions that at first seemed favorable served you for a short time. When you are ready to match your situation to your soul, you will find that you feel a new sense of harmony and increasingly connected to the ebb and flow of the universe.

Moving on can be defined in numerous ways. Your forward momentum may take you from your current locale to a place you instinctively know will be more nurturing, comfortable, and spiritually enriching. Once you arrive, your misgivings will vanish, and you will know that you have found a sanctuary. Similarly, subtle changes in your values, goals, or emotional needs can motivate you to distance yourself from one group of people in order to reassociate yourself with individuals that are better able to support you. For example, this could mean moving away from your birth family in order to find your energetic or spiritual family. The route you need to travel may not always be clear; you may feel inspired to change yet be unsure as to why or how. Clarity may come in the form of a question if you are willing to seriously ask yourself where your soul is trying to take you.

In a way, moving from one point to another when you feel strongly driven to do so is a way of bringing your spiritual and earthly energies together. It is a two-step process that involves not only letting go but also reconnecting. You will know you have found your destination, physical or otherwise, when you feel in your heart that you have been reborn into a life that is just the right shape, size, and composition.